Frustration

It is so damn frustrating sometimes. I just don't even know where to begin. The exhaustion I'm feeling, the constant ache in my ears that hasn't ceased in two months, the feeling like it's never going to end, and even if it does, then one more struggle is on the list to combat. And on top of that there is the blogging. I have been enjoying blogging very much. It's been awesome. It's been something that helps me keep my sanity, but what the hell is the point of blogging to yourself. It's nice to get a little traffic, you know? And I've gotten a little. Very little. But the point is that every few posts I get some lovely comments from lovely readers and it all helps. Part of blogging and getting response is GIVING response. I get that. I understand. I even want to go out and give others some feed back. But this can be one of the most frustrating processes in existence and it's mostly to do with Mommy Bloggers. I like Mommy Bloggers. Really - don't get the wrong idea here, but just because someone doesn't have a baby doesn't make them less of a blogger. I feel like I go out to these website and have tried to start participating in writing memes and trying to get a few regular blogs that I write and comment on, because I enjoy them. But I have to say there is only one Mommy Blogger that I know that manages to write without making the reader feel like they have to be a Mommy Blogger to get it! Seriously - one. It's not that I don't understand. If you're a Mommy Blogger, who loves to read and write (as they all inevitably seem to) and writes some freelance for some other online or bigger blog community (as half of them inevitably seem to) etc, you've got a wealth of things to write blogs about. What your child's doing now, complaints and glorious mommy moments, the father/husband who has tender/comical/understanding moments. The list goes on and on. It's nice. But the Mommy Bloggers have banned together - they've united across the internet to form cliquish groups that some mommy bloggers wish they were a part of and would love to be entered into the circle, for even a week. And in their comments are THOUSANDS of comments from other mommy bloggers about how they understand perfectly. Here's where the really frustrating part is. After reading a handful of the dozens of responses on their blogs about how they too have gone through infertility issues, that their baby also does that strange thing with their face, that the anxieties of being a mommy are universal in mommyhood... it feels pretty lame to post something that sounds like "I've got no experience or credentials as a mommy (since I'm not one) but I feel what you're saying here..." yeah. lame. super duper lame. It's a bit disheartening. I tend to love it best when these ladies write a fiction or a memory from their pre-baby days, or when they have things to write about that don't pertain to their mommy-ness. Some of them manage to do it and it's so nice to be like "I'm a HUMAN too! We have something in common - let's share." Don't get me wrong, I do get some very lovely comments from these ladies on a rare occasion and I'm not trying to hate here. I don't hate - I don't even dislike. But it can be frustrating to be a newly wed who's not planning on having babies for another few years in the sea of Mommy Bloggers.

PS - Please don't hate on me if you're a mommy blogger. It's not personal. It's just part of a larger web of stresses that I've been dealing with. Blogging is one of my outlets, but it's starting to feel like this outlet is shorted. I'm trying to let go...

Initial thought: "Being mad as hell and I'm not going to take it any more!" aka frustration
Time: 15 minutes

Writer's Itch

I'm getting that itch again. No! Not that one - that's disgusting. No - I'm getting the itch to start novel writing/world building again. My fingers have been itchily typing words like "how to build a world" and "map making schemes" into the google browser again. This is getting pretty bad. Luckily I have something that I've been working on for a while to go back to - now that I've had several months of hiatus from it. I'm starting to really get the want to create again. I never completely finished the world (not that you can ever completely finish a world) and my mind is really rearing to start filling in some of those gaping holes that I left the last time around. I think it all started with me trying to get my husband to take a break from thesis writing and to go back to story writing. That was a failure as a line of argument, but it got me thinking too. I also recently responded to a Red Dress Club prompt with a letter from one of my long term characters and I really liked the new take on this character. I found that I have lots of interactions, but only one of my other characters has written any significant amount of letters to what I call "off screen" characters - I'm such a movie influenced girl - who never appear in the book (or at least I'm not planning for them to do so). I'd really like to start back up - I've got to change my character's name though, which will either A) completely ruin said character for me or B) give me the new perspective on her that I need in order to focus on her movement as a character. I'm really hoping for the latter. I found her name was already used in a YA fantasy series, so I can't really go that direction, now can I? I mean, I innocently found that name at behindthename.com, which is where I go to find almost all of my names. And I found it several years ago when I started writing something completely unrelated to where I took the character. Either way, it must change. Interestingly enough, this character kinda already had two names and so I guess I could just focus a bit more of the second one. The thing is, if I start writing this world again, where am I going to post it? It's not the kind of thing that I'm sure I want to post in either of my blogs for anyone to go reading yet. It's just development projects at the moment. On the other hand, I don't want to restrict my writing to just my little books - I mean they're good, but the thing about writing in books is that it's not easy to move material around as necessary in order to organize my thoughts. Not that there's really any easy way of doing that. It's just frustrating as a thought. I've thought of story boarding. I think taking some things visual might really help me and get my creative juices flowing.

Time: 10 minutes

Down time

Down time is something that we don't want when, say, our email gets hacked and our blogs go down, but shouldn't we all want a little downtime? A little time to disconnect and get away for a while? I was preaching this last night as I walked from the place I had the beer to the place I had the margarita - not having a phone is wonderful and I feel great not having one here. I mean, at home it would be a major inconvenience, because there are a lot more people to talk to and things to plan over a shorter period of time. But right now I only live with my husband and all of our social outings usually get planned a day or two in advance, so there's no waiting on tenderhooks for an email to come in... Still - it was pretty stressful to find that google had closed down my email AND all of the blogs associated with it. Pain in the ass. I had a friend asking if I'd shut them down, I had my husband (who co-authors one) asking if my promoting our blogs on facebook was me spamming too much and a violation of TOS and I'm just worried about someone hacking my email (which does seem to be what happened - sorry for anyone who got any weird emails). Arg! But with all of this stress and the stress of daily life, I wonder if I don't need some down time from some of the things. I know that I have the need to push forward and get things done, be productive, but the question I'm asking myself is "Am I doing my best here?" What is it that I can cut out to make life a little less full of the stuff I don't need and a little more full of the stuff I'd like to do but doesn't seem vital? I think that enrichment is important and I want to be able to do these things - that's why I really started blogging in the first place. To write, to track my reading, to get some feedback (hopefully) on some of that writing. Trying to improve some of the things that I'll never make money at but that also make life a little better. I've been surrounding myself with "fall things" - things that put me into my mindset at my favorite time of year - in hopes that it will help stave off the spring blues that I always seem to get. This is always the worst time of year for me and I would love for that to change, but I'm really just an autumn girl. Maybe it's the weather and how the world is around me that makes this time of year so miserable for me, but it's followed me half way across the world, so my immediate environment just doesn't seem to be the only factor. It's been a little different this year, but not getting less with the blues. For all that though, I'm fairly happy, which is a nice change.


Intial thought: Down time
Time: 9 minutes